ARIELALEXIS

a lot has been on my mind;

mainly my mother. she hasnt really been a good mother figure, for all my life, shes been a drug addict. she was active in my life until the seventh grade and then she kind of vanished. it wasnt until two weeks ago that i saw her. my grandmother and i received news that i never wanted to hear. i never wanted to receive a call that had to do with my mother being hurt in any kind of way but i did. she apparently had a heart attack, I’m guessing from drug use, when doctors tried to revive her, some oxygen didn’t get to her brain so now she has brain damage. her symptoms are mainly memory, she knew who i was, but at first she thought i was twelve, probably because the last time i saw her, i was twelve. the beautiful woman who i had remembered was gone. in front of me was a woman in a wheelchair, teethless and old looking. i think thats what hurt the most, that i didn’t recognize her at first. the visit was very moving and upsetting for me, i think I’m still trying to deal with the pain from it. i want to visit her again, but i know its going to hurt still, and I’m afraid to hurt that much again. 

another thing on my mind is friends;

i feel like i don’t have any anymore. i haven’t put any effort to hang out with anyone and i know thats my fault. my boyfriend doesn’t like any of my friends so lately, I’ve only been hanging out with him, and three of our other friends. i know i put myself in this situation, because i chose my boyfriend over my friends, its hard to be in this situation because I’ve lost him a few times and i just cant lose him this time so ill do anything to keep him and things have been great between us, from what i can tell at least. 

i guess i just don’t know what to do; i adore the times when im with him, and i see him a lot but when im not with him, i feel so alone.